Currently Listening Umbrella By Rihanna (Ft Jay-Z) see related

Just my thoughts

I was about to go sleep when a topic came to me that I felt I needed to write about. While it kind of relates to the topic that I promised to write about it many ways its different.

People live for the moment while at the same time miss the moment. It has occured to me that humans do not care about what its good for them as long as they get what they want. My example for this credit cards the average american is thousand of dollars in debt......? Nobody cares about the longterm effects of their actions as long as they can be satified at the moment. It occured to me that humans will pay an outrageous price for anything for that instant satisfaction.... credit cards are a perfect example of this. One of the beliefs that I live by is that human are creatures of habit so 99% of time you can take one concept or action and apply it to other areas of their lives. I also belief that humans will continue this action or belief unless they are forced to deal with a significant emotional event. Which is usually the only time when we take the time to change our ways.

Ok lets apply this to a broader term. The current divorce rate for americans is at 40% while many people think its closer 50% this number is misleading. While the divorce rate HAS dropped in recent years the number of out of wedlock births has increased by the year and is now at 36%. Let me spell this out for simply for people that have a hard time with numbers. People are skipping marriage and going straight to having a child. Most eventually say we'll get married later, but do you know what the second highest reason for divorce is.......having a child out wedlock. This is behind the number one reason by 6 % but has been rising quickly every year and now 1 in 3 women having a child are not married.

Just a little info to make the number meaningful if 40 %of the divores end in divorce, and a marriage that involves two people that means WELL over half of all americans will be divorced at least once in their life.

To put this all together it seems like we all look for that reason to feel good right now. Whether that means having a child before were ready just so we can have that 15 minutes of extasy (52 sec in my case), or by marrying the wrong person just to have someone  there. 

I feel we all have a fear of being alone and wanting to be accepted and we will settle for what come our way first over waiting for what right. We will stay with somebody longer than we should because its comfortable, and move on to another too quickly just feel that void lonliness. Just my thoughts tell what yall think agree, disagree or am i just crazy....lol.

Anyways next topic................................dont know , but when i do yall will too!

Ok lets get to it. I realized that for the past couple of months I have been searching for something, because I have lost faith in many aspects of life, in all actually every aspect of life. I use to believe that if  you do the right thing work hard things will turn out right. You know the whole keep your nose clean,  karma comes back around type of thing. Then I stopped to looked around and realized that is not true. I mean feel that life is random and no matter what your actions are theres a random chance life will throw you limes or lemons (or however the saying goes).

Now that I beleive that my belief in God is shaken. When I'm at lowest he's never there. When I need someone to talk to he can never be heard, but the devil will speak clearly. Of course I know the whole God does everything for a reason, he gives you nothing you can't handle, hes always there for you, I know all the saying but I dont know if I believe them anymore.

Which lastly leads me to what i'm looking for. I feel life has very little substance right now. I feel I do things just to pass time. I mean their fairly fun while im doing them, but after they are done there is no lasting effect just a moment soon  to be forgot. If everything thing I do is just an activity to past the time with little significance after arent I just living to die. For example you have to catch a plane at 8. Your bored so you do little things to pass the time, things so insignificant that you won't remember them even a week from now. I'm tired of passing my time waiting to die.

In conclusion I'm at a crossroads the foundation of beliefs that i once stood on are now shaken. I know longer believe that good deeds alone will bring me prosterity, But do I now live selfishly for myself or what. I'm at a crossroads of letting the old Antwane die, but I dont know who I become? Without a foundation it's impossible to stand, and until I find one, like my friend said everyday i'm looking for something but i dont know what it is.

Next topic is something that has really been bothering me: the current state of marriage.

It's been a long time since my last entry. I don't like to talk unless I have something to say. Well since my last entry my life has been interesting. When it couldnt get any worse it did. One of my close friends told me something that amazed me to no end. Out of nowhere he said, "Antwane you are  looking for something, every day your looking. I dont even know if you know what your looking for, but your looking." 

I'm not feeling this right now to be continued........

Two years three months I gave my heart, I gave my all, I gave everything I had and more. I trusted the one who said she would never hurt me. " I love you Antwane! I would never hurt you! Your my heart you can't live without your heart." These words ring in my mind and my dreams night after night! I am a stranger to crying no longer. I'm would like to say to that person, I hope your lies to me make your life better, "i would never have a backup not for you antwane!" I hope it all works out for you all the pain you have caused helps you in some way. For all those times I stood by you, all those times I thought of you before I thought of myself! Thank you for fucking me over, as long as you benenfit from it thank you! I pray that every breath you take is filled with happiness, because those are gifts?

If you know about me and this girl then you know I that loved her more than most people could understand! If you know about her and me you prob at one time told me to leave her, but I didnt. I saw something in her that I don't think she saw herself, I loved her, I loved her when she hurt me and when she loved me. You can say what you want but you can't say I didnt love that girl. Some of you have any said this would happen, but I trusted her, I trusted her, I never thought she would do this!

My story let me tell you th parts that mattered. I loved her damn I loved her, for two years I loved her, I trusted her when she asked me for trust. When you have someone crying tears in your face sincere tears that they would never hurt you, and this is the one you love! Those tears mean something.

The day before she told me she needed four hundred dollars for a car and this is what she said, " Antwane I would never hurt you" and the next day she told me she was preg with someone else's child. We were lovers and friends and in the end shes failed me in both areas.  All gone for a high school dropout shes known for a month (ouch).

The foundation of  everything I believe in is shaken. The only thing i know for fact is that the tears always come back and that I loved her!